Sad Croc Audio
Pure
Stop Filming Me (demo)
Eat Myself to Death
Holy Water Down
Break Us Apart
Johnny Runaround · 7 June 2008
Thursday night music blitz around town. Here we go… stop at favorite bar and Sad Crocodile homebase Galaxy Hut to interview DC shoegazer legends Lorelei. Grab super tasty burger, chat with Heather, Kristin and GH honcho Lary and retire to the old silo from Bardo which is now the Hut’s patio. Stephen, Matt and Davis give me some good quotes and hopefully they enjoy talk to me as much as I enjoy talking to them.
Wrap it up and text Jamie Greenland to see if they are on yet. No reply. Hmmmm…. Race across town to the Black Cat anyway. Lauren is working the door which always means a good night. She is my lucky charm! Double-time it upstairs to see the band in full on rock mode with Rishi on second guitar. Jamie is sporting a “Foster” cut and it looks killer and Tony is always Mr. Cool. They blast out in sharp contrast to the intimate shows we have played together but it still sounds amazing. See Vicki and say hello and throw a quick Greenland plug in while I am at it. This next record could be it for these boys in a good way.
Sporting my unironic RUN DMC shirt (Jamie’s brother tells me this is an awesome big belly shirt – which is damning and a compliment in equal portions) I hang for a little. Good bourbon. Mile Benjamin Anthony comes on and lacks songs and charm. Ugh. Good conversation gives way to White Rabbits and I have to jet. Bye to Lauren and straight to my super awesome right in front of the club parking spot and I head to Iota to close the night.
Wait a minute Johnny? Isn’t Iota less than a block from where you started the evening at the Hut? Uh…. yeah….
Get there as Junior League is half way into their set. My shirt is really sticking out amongst all the noodle dancing going on. Crazy fake hippies. I love that they are totally into it though. Lissy and crew play their super engaging pop/bluegrass thing to the crowd’s delight. We get a chance to chat afterwards and end the evening with hours of girltalk which I rarely have these days.
Lissy and her friend Robin tickle me with tales of romantic woe and general funny stories. The night ends perfectly with Lissy in the middle of the street in 20 dollar heels with her “wardrobe” in a plastic grocery bag and a banjo strapped to her back hailing a cab.
— John Foster
Summer Shows · 5 June 2008
Hey Cats and Kittens –
With our residency at Galaxy Hut ended (thanks to everyone there!!!!) we have a few shows coming up and then a little (recording) break planned.
Two very exciting gigs we hope to see you at:
Sunday June 15th at the Red and the Black
We are bringing a big slice of the NYC Popfest right to you in DC.
The always amazing Tullycraft
From Bubblegum to Sky
DC’s beloved Sprites
and going on early so don’t be late!!!!! Sad Crocodile
Thursday July 10th at DC9
A special night with three of DC’s most exciting songwriters performing their very different compositions in a unique sequence. (That is long as all get out – what I am saying is don’t miss a second and it won’t be the usual set sequence type of night.)
Sam Simkoff (of Le Loup)
Martin Royle
Sad Crocodile
Who loves ya?
Thats right – it’s me.
— John Foster
Shows Show Shows · 23 May 2008
Final installment of our Galaxy Hut residency on Monday, May 26th with the always amazing Greenland. Be there or be square (and I don’t know no squares.)
Shows to follow in June at the Red and Black with Tullycraft and Sprites and a special night in July with Martin Royle and Sam Simkoff (Le Loup).
You know what to do.
— John Foster
This is How it is Done! · 5 May 2008
My sisters are having a joint birthday party today (amazingly they both turned 16 but are not twins!) My nephew gets ready to tackle a slice of chocolate cake.
He takes off his shirt.
To eat the cake.
This is how it’s done.
— John Foster
Small is Good · 1 April 2008
Funny show last night. There were only 15 people when I went on but sort of a cool vibe so I played the first song plugged in and then turned off the amp and sat over by the bar and played the rest of the set without amplification over there. Everyone was really quiet and perfect and it went really well. When I said I had one more song and did they want one about Lindsay Lohan or one about a fat guy eating himself to death they answered back to play both. “Sad at Me” and “You Turned Honey Into A Bad Word” were both standouts again. I added a new plaintive line to Honey, “I am depressed – about taking these anti-depressants” that dug in. Later in the evening someone I had never met came up and thanked me on the nice set which always makes it a good evening. Just felt small and right.
— John Foster
Where is the Blood Coming From? · 16 March 2008
This won’t be as nice and compact as I usually like to write posts but then again life isn’t nice and compact (enough with the “heavy” verbiage already? Agreed.) Here goes.
We had a fantastic show at the Black Cat. The sound was perfect and it may have been my best night of singing in quite some time. Everyone treated us well and some folks I hoped would come didn’t make it but others I wasn’t really expecting did. The key was everyone there paid rapt attention and gave me the opportunity to connect with the audience in the way that I crave and is really why I play live in the first place. I was also given a giant lucky penny from Vegas. Seriously – thats the sign of a good night.
A funny after effect is that I gave away small silk screen prints of some of my illustrations and word on the street is that the bulk of the bar staff is now considering getting tattoos of my crazed drunken octopus made famous by it’s appearance previously on posters/tees for The Caribbean. Speaking of the boys – I caught three songs of their set the same evening for the DCIFF and the re-working of “Hollywood” was breathtaking. Even if we hadn’t had a good show it would have been a good day.
I finished reading the book I have about Eitzel and AMC. I needed to be done. I didn’t know Kathleen Burns (the muse for so many early AMC songs) had died of an overdose in 98. It explains a lot and it hit me harder than I expected. Funny as I certainly never met her and I only know Mark in such a superficial way that it barely counts. Yet I have lived with their relationship through these songs for so many years that we are more connected than Mark could ever feel comfortable with. I did like the book stayed true to Eitzel’s lack of candor about his sexuality (he came to terms with being gay post-Kathleen but obviously never stopped loving her.) Recommended for fellow sad sacks like myself.
Everything else seems to be in a mild swirl of turmoil as I need to turn the corner on my two books this month. Work has been nuts (what I am working on project-wise. Actual life at the office is always great.) Finding time is always hard and seeming impossible at times of late. Lily has a fab new hairdo and life goes on around me. Speaking of Lily – she jumped on my back as I was leaned over and I had to brace myself in an odd manner. When I rose I felt a pinch in my shoulder. I rolled my arm in a windmill and then heard the dreaded “pop.” It continues to provide a great deal of discomfort if I dare try to raise my arm above my head. Might be an MRI in my future…
Blood? Oh yes – you want to know about the blood in the title eh? If you insist.
Friday night the dogs have been playing outside for two hours without incident. This might be a record. I bring them in to wipe their feet and see Lucy’s white fur has patches of blood on her back. I know this is from Scooby jumping on her which means he somehow has blood on his feet. Ominous to say the least.
Scooby comes in and there are big fat drops of blood on the floor. However, I have little idea where to look for the source as he has blood on all of his feet, in patches on his back, on both ears in different areas and most disconcertingly in a large patch on his neck. He barely seems to notice but oblivious and Scooby go hand in hand. I get him into the kitchen with a towel to better assess the damage and he proceeds to shake sending tiny red splatters everywhere. If CSI ever comes to our house with those fancy lights I had better have an iron clad alibi…
I am most concerned with the neck as this might indicate Lucy has throttled him in a less than playful manner and some tough decision could be at hand. They fight like siblings but there has never been any damage and I can’t think about the possibility of breaking up our little family but it won’t be able to be ignored if this is as bad as it looks. Crap. I hustle him up to the shower.
Once in the bathroom he escapes and shakes again. Great. No detective will ever believe my innocence now.
I have to climb in with him and he is less than pleased about the whole deal. After much scrubbing the blood starts to wash away revealing that this entire scarlet coating is coming from a single nasty cut to his ear and his bouncing all over the place in his Scooby manner has gotten the blood everywhere. We dry him off, cordoned away from more crime scene construction, and patch it up. Miraculously the ad hoc bandage makes it through the night. Everyone returns to their goofy little roles in our family for better or worse. Just a tiny scar to mark the occasion.
— John Foster
Things Are Good · 9 March 2008
I am really looking forward to playing The Black Cat on thursday. Tons of good shows coming up but it is admittedly special for me to play there.
Lecture at University of Maryland went really well and was a joy. Great Q+A! John and Justin are princes for setting it up. I had a lot of fun and some nice folks travelled all the way from Charlottesville to see it. My Dad even came (with my brother and sister and her boyfriend and my new weird friend Tommy but thats another story all together.) I am sure it was bizarre for my Dad the college professor to see his son lecture at a school where he used to teach. We followed it up with a terrible meal and great conversation.
And in BIG news. I am getting organized and at the end of the month I start working on recording an album in earnest. I will be doing the basic tracks and seeing where that takes us. I am determined to have something legit out within the year.
Stay tuned!
— John Foster
Typical Reading · 9 March 2008
I am reading in tiny little chunks concurrently a bio on Mark Eitzel and American Music Club (one of my favorite bands) as well as a bio on pro wrestler Bruiser Brody (my favorite murdered wrestler.) I know this says a great deal about me – both in the choice of subject matter and the fact that I am reading them at the same time. Oh well.
— John Foster
big news that lasts for two weeks · 4 March 2008
Hey Cats and Kittens – there are big events on all fronts this month so lets get right down to it:
John Foster to lecture (they mean chit chat in a casual manner) at the University of Maryland Art Gallery (Art-Sociology Building) at 3 in the PM on Wednesday, March 5th. I will discuss the contemporary rock poster if you really must know.
Articles leading up to this just ran in the Examiner (great article title) and will be in the Onion’s AV Club. You can catch up with coverage (as well as all of my blog writing) as always at brightestyoungthings.com for your continued enjoyment.
On the Sad Crocodile front, we will be playing (Michael will be with me) at the one and only Black Cat on Thursday the 13th. Being the premier punk rock club in DC and the site of many of my favorite shows of all-time – to say this is a big deal to me is an understatement. Doors open at 9 and we go on first so get it on the calendar now misters!!!!!
Looking forward to seeing everyone I have ever known at both events – haha.
— John Foster
SHOW TONIGHT POSTPONED! · 22 February 2008
The show for Feb 22 at Murky has been postponed. It will return better than ever at a later date – promise!
— John Foster
the coolest night for music - period · 13 February 2008
Is it possible that the Sad Crocodile once a month residency at Galaxy Hut has become the coolest local music showcase in town? Holding down the last Monday in every month with what DC Rock Club refers to as “stark songs with quirky and sardonic lyrics,” front man John Foster invites his favorite area songwriters to follow. Past shows have included everyone from The Caribbean to Roofwalkers to the first Sprites show in years and Greenland’s Jamie Green playing for over 2 hours on his birthday. It is a night not to be missed!
The spring line-up has just been announced and it looks like you just made plans for the next four months:
02/25 Austin and Marian (from the recently disbanded charmers Private Eleanor)
03/31 Paul Michel
04/28 Marty Royle (Washington Social Club solo)
05/26 Greenland
The summer possibly holds Sam Simkoff of Le Loup as well as a Roofwalkers return so stay tuned.
You can also catch Sad Crocodile at a special show at Murky Upstairs in Clarendon opening for Meredith Bragg in one of his rare solo appearances on Friday Feb 22nd (it’s all ages!)
Here are some kind words:
DC Rock Club said “Sad Crocodile plays depressing songs with lyrics that alternate between amusing and slightly disturbing,” and added “once you admit you like a band that’s mopey or cynical people assume you like shitty emo bands like Fall Out Boy, Taking Back Sunday, etc. Don’t mistake quality “wuss rock” with bands that are just plain annoying. I’m not afraid to say I’m partial to certain soft rock. Sad Crocodile is such a band. There’s a charm to John Foster’s stark songs with his quirky and sardonic lyrics.”
The nice folks at Sub Pop sent me this note. “I just listened to your demo. I dig it. “Holy Water Down” reminds me of Gastr Del Sol a little. Good stuff and oddly serious for such a happy guy.”
Mark Robinson of Teenbeat Records fame mused, “nice stuff, kind of dark (in a good way). I guess the crocodile IS sad.”
Pat Jarrett at brightestyoungthings.com said Sad Crocodile “sounded like John Foster had embodied Mark Sandman of Morphine with occasional ethereal twang from the telecaster. The overall experience-felt like I had been dumped and needed more pills/booze to make it all better. However- a band that’s able to draw that emotion out should be commended.”
— John Foster
Tons of news - music and design · 20 January 2008
There is so much going on in the next few weeks that none of you have an excuse as to not seeing me in some capacity – seriously. Here goes:
First – you can see my writings weekly on brightestyoungthings.com (including my weekly CD packaging column.) I also did a guest dj spot on The Vinyl District (vinyldistrict.blogspot.com) and you can read a nice review on our packed Roofwalkers show (magical night in my opinion) last month at dcrockclub.com (and I love the rock club idea and blog.)
Now on to the events:
Monday Jan 28th at Galaxy Hut
9pm free
Sprites (in their first area appearance in ages!!!!!)
w/Sad Crocodile
Saturday Feb 2nd at Murky Coffee Upstairs
9pm likely 5 bucks
Gifts from Enola
Sad Crocodile
Delft
(this is no booze BUT the coffee shop is open for concert goers and is a cool place.)
Wednesday Feb 6th
Sweet: The Graphic Beauty of the Contemporary Rock Poster opens!
The first day will feature 29 of the hottest gig poster designers in the country (including Mr. Foster) and will afford you the chance to see them at the University of Maryland and shake hands and buy a ton of cool posters. There will also be an amazing installation by fave Jesse LeDoux.
www.artgallery.umd.edu/exhibit/285.08/ for more info!!!!
The spring brings tons of gigs including the continuation of our Galaxy Hut monthly invitational and March brings some lectures and May brings two appearances at the HOW Conference in Boston which just happens to be the biggest design gathering in the world (thousands upon thousands of designers – whee!)
Stay tuned for Fall including a book release.
Who loves you baby? That’s right, I do – John
— John Foster
The Big Push · 5 January 2008
It is 11:30 on Friday night and I have been invited to what is sure to be an amazing party at an unmarked bar downtown. (Unmarked bar = good time. Period.) Instead I have boxers I have never heard of on the tube in the background as I sit over my lap top in my RUN DMC t-shirt getting ready to finish writing my books for HOW (80% done) and Sub Pop (sort of 35% done.) Wish me luck…
— John Foster
Shows in 08 starts on the 7th!!!!!!!! · 3 January 2008
Sad Crocodile opens for Ezra Furman and the Harpoons at the Red and the Black at 8pm on January 7th and it should be amazing. Ezra and crew bring their folky rock jumble of brilliant songs and DC’s favorite mopesters (thats us) open up the evening so get there early.
Galaxy Hut parade continues with the first outing of The Sprites in DC in quite some time on the 28th. It will be poptastic!
Hope you can make both.
— John Foster
You Will Never Have My Permission · 15 December 2007
My niece Emme (who I adore and my daughter mimics at every turn) wrote me a critical letter in regards to my songwriting. What a sweetie! Here is the bulk of it:
Dear Uncle Stinky Head,
Why did you name a song of yours EAT MYSELF TO DEATH?!!!!! You are my uncle, but still, I don’t want you to EAT your self to DEATH!!!!!! Oh, I visited your web site instead of doing Shining Stars. You’re lucky I sending this e-mail. This is a huge warning not to eat your body. Plus, you always make my day great. So DON’T eat your self to death. I mean, who would even try? Not me….................... and that also means that you do not have my permission to eat your self to death. You will never have permission from me to eat your poor self up. Plus, you probably will not taste so good.
— John Foster
What is (Not) Going On Here? · 9 December 2007
Too too long has it been since I updated my blog here in Crocville. I promise to do so soon. I have been posting content – including my weekly review of CD packaging on brightestyoungthings.com so please stop over there and see what I have been up to.
Items to note – one last chance to see me this year with the ultra hot Roofwalkers in full band mode December 17th at Galaxy Hut. More shows in the new year so come on out in 07 and 08 for good friends, songs and better beer – haha.
I will also be posting my holiday gift to you all – my melancholy cover of the Lightning Seed’s chestnut “Pure” up on the site shortly. Enjoy!
— John Foster
Time of Your Life - Once A Month! · 28 October 2007
Here is the rundown for our little residency program at the world famous Galaxy Hut in Arlington so put ‘em down in ink – thanks!!!
Oct 29th Sad Crocodile w/ Greenland
Nov 26th Sad Crocodile w/ Emily Easterly
Dec 17th Sad Crocodile w/ Roofwalkers
Jan 28th Sad Crocodile w/ Sprites
Feb 25th Sad Crocodile w/ Sam Simkoff (Le Loup)
Mar 31st Sad Crocodile w/ Austin + Marian (Private Eleanor)
Lary put it perfectly as he call it “Sad Crocodile’s can I play once a month and book an awesome band to play with me” string of shows.
— John Foster
Big Show!!!! · 13 October 2007
Sad Crocodile will be opening for the always amazing Film School on October 21st at the Rock and Roll Hotel. Come early (around 8) as we go on first and we promise to make it memorable. New t-shirts will be on sale for only 5 smackers to friends and family (and friends and family OF friends and family.) Be there or be square and we don’t know no squares.
— John Foster
Debbie Millman to Interview Everyone's Favorite Designer Named John Foster · 4 October 2007
With the dashing good looks of Carson Palmer and the brash bravado of Chad Johnson and the belly of an actual bengal tiger, John Foster will be coming to Cincinnati to raise the hopes of the city in light of their football fortunes heading south. October 23 is the date to circle on your calendar to bring your little designer heiney down to the Art Academy of Cincinnati. Running the show will be the always fabulous Debbie Millman as she probes deep into Foster’s psyche using her world famous “design matters” interview format. Topics to be covered surely include Foster’s opinions on design education, his wildly varied client base (and why it keeps him sane) and his passion for posters that reached a climax with his book “New Masters of Poster design.”
Debbie’s stylish New York sensibility combined with John’s “get your hands dirty” approach to design should produce a lively evening. Debbie might be selling/signing books. John won’t be selling but he will sign anything you put before him (those with small children be forewarned.)
The funny folks doing the promo have hit it on the nose merging a simple graphic of John’s sad little goatee with Debbie’s pricey picture of perfection glasses – perfect-a-mundo!
The following morning they will begin the fun yet tiring task of judging the HOW International design awards and will surely be at each other’s throats by noon.
— John Foster
Thanks Salisbury! · 4 October 2007
I had a wonderful visit to Salisbury University to lecture and talk with their classes recently. I can not thank everyone there enough for treating me so kindly. My gallery show looked amazing (who knew I had done so many posters over the last couple of years – must be an aftershock from writing the book.) The lecture went smoothly and the students asked an amazing range of insightful questions which is always my favorite part. (My presentation is far from on autopilot but the Q+A is always challenging and different.)
Apologies to the young lady with tattoos on the back of her legs if I embarrassed her when I asked if she had tattoos anywhere else. I lack social grace and these things are too far gone to change at this point.
I then had the pleasure of visiting classes focused on identity work, interactive, typography, senior level design work and illustration. The end result was that my discussion was completely different for each class and I really had to think on my feet. If someone had been with me the entire time they would have left knowing every last ounce of design knowledge I have stored in this little peanut.
The best part was that I had the good fortune to take all of my meals in the dining hall. I never get to have brussel sprouts with lunch much less with chicken croquets! I am a sucker for institutional food I must confess. The only shortcoming is that I would weigh 400 pounds as you have to pass the frozen yogurt machine at every turn and I would start making every meal “a la mode.” It was a good thing I left the next day when I could still fit in my car.
— John Foster
Cool Shows and Posters Coming Up · 17 September 2007
Gang-printing like two lovers on opposite sides of the bed yet forever intertwined are new posters for Carol Bui’s record release at the Black Cat (also on the bill is one of my faves Roofwalkers) and a little menacing giant Ed head for the Grizzly Bear show at 2640 in b’more (with the sleepy yet entrancing Beach House.) If you think you might want one let me know as I won’t have many to part with.
— John Foster
Giggle · Sep 17, 10:44 PM
“You won’t let me get any video games or play video games and all you let me do is read books and play outside – what’s WRONG with this family?????” Seven people duck behind the shelves of books to suppress their giggles as my six-year old stands defiant in the middle of the barnes and noble.
— John Foster
Quirktastic! · Sep 8, 07:10 PM
Made our way down 95 (such a painful drive) to Richmond on Friday for the opening of Tables to Walls at Quirk. It was jam-packed with wall to wall art lovers (and VCU kiddies required to attend for illustration class.) It was a huge honor to be on the wall next to some of my illustration heroes like Gary Kelley and Anita Kunz and Joe Morse. Amazing to see the control on display at such a small scale. Greg Swearington does paperback covers to exact scale with his meticulous style – pure insanity. Thanks to Beth and Robert and Sterling for putting it together.
We then were able to take Gina out for dinner at the Tobacco Company (it IS Richmond after all.) We were treated to a Johnny Cash cover band – good look with a decent sound – and everything coated in Jack Daniels. (Ya know, because of the race, explained the cocktail waitress. No sweetie, I don’t know. Lucky for both of us I do enjoy a bourbon at every possible turn.) We dropped her off at her dorm and were treated to the odors that permeate each and every corner of college life. And this is on the girl’s floor. I could never go back just based on the smells alone. I did take pleasure in my usual juvenile activities as I wrote salacious comments on all of the message boards and mixed and matched name tags on the doors. I know, I know…
— John Foster
It's Time to Kick Some Balls · Sep 6, 10:37 PM
Giddy is the best word to describe how I feel. My daughter plays her first soccer game on Saturday. She has brand spanking new pink cleats. I wish I had those in college to go with my tough guy exterior. The uniforms are lime and black and oh so spiffy. Especially when compared with the ragged t-shirts we ran around in. I can’t wait!!!!! To kick off the season in high order, my nephew Cam played four games straight without giving up a goal last weekend and won the tournament and was MVP. It will certainly go down as a shining moment in family history.
— John Foster
Crush of the Week · Sep 4, 10:54 AM
This is where I usually default to Morticia Addams or Sydney from Melrose Place but I have recently been overtaken by a haunting image. Now, despite that whipped cream scene in that movie with James Van Der Dawson, I have never really been an Ali Larter fan. She is a little too… “tan” for me. A little brassy. However, she has taken hold of my home from her perch on the cover of Self magazine (we always have magazines like this in the house and I never see anyone reading them.) This particular issue has managed to stay at the front of the magazine rack for weeks. There she is day in and day out taunting me with her toned flat stomach and her natural boobs. That upturned smile and come hither eyes. I am just a man of flesh and bone. What chance do I have against such a devilish quarter-sized representation of the feminine form?
Thank god Martha Stewart hasn’t been sitting there all this time…
— John Foster
Dutch Wonderland on Saturday · Aug 28, 11:51 PM
The last time I went was when my folks had just gotten divorced and we took off on a day trip three times a week with my Dad during the summer. After we make our way into the park we are standing at the concession stand and he starts talking to some women next to us. They chat for 10-15 minutes while we wait and then she goes into some side entrance. Pretty lady but I didn’t think twice about it.
A half hour later we go to this show where they dive off this high dive into a tiny little pool. Typical carny stuff. I look up and there is the same women all done up in her bathing suit and then she screams down from the sky into basically a glass of tap water. Impressive… but I still don’t think much of it. She smiles in our direction…
As we exit – wanting to dart towards the roller coaster – my pops puts up the stop sign and officially holds our horses. We sit idle for 10 minutes until a door opens behind us. Before my very eyes is the diving beauty toweling her hair and dressed back in her “civilian” gear. Next thing I know, she is showing us the park for the following six hours.
Casanova Foster hard at work. The whole summer was like that…
— John Foster
Good Show Sunday · Aug 28, 01:51 PM
Thanks to all that came out to the Galaxy Hut show. We had a great time playing our somber tunes to the attentive audience and it was greatly appreciated that everyone joined in for a sing-a-long on “Ghost Team.” Especially Phil who sang along with the entire song. What a sweetie!
We had our pants charmed right off by b’more’s favorite hons, Private Eleanor. Wonderful set and oh so charming. Marian embarrassed the dickens out of me by saying it was “great playing with a famous designer who has nice songs.” Who knew they felt that way? My favorite is that the tunes everyone had sat patiently through were a distant second to my other work – haha. I will take the compliments where I can get them of course. I am sure I am leaving Marian mortified by bringing it up but she is a tiny ball of cuteness and will certainly survive.
Big announcement coming soon about a Sad Crocodile residency at the Hut with our favorite songwriters. Stay tuned!
— John Foster
Posting from my bizarre subconscious: · Aug 9, 11:15 AM
I have periods where I dream intensely and in a vivid state and others where I seem to recall little if anything at all from my slumber. The best of times are when I am in transition and I can awake with one crystal clear recollection firmly in my mental grasp.
You, John Darnielle, are the star of my most recent dream.
I walked into a room where a Mountain Goats set was planned to take place in an hour or so. I was early to the gig as I habitually am. Why I desire to be at a club long before there is any action there has always been a mystery. I found a place to plop down my haunches while I took in the crowd filtering in from the shadows. Strangely, I recognized the faces of many of the women entering the hall. There was my seventh grade crush. My date to the junior prom. It went on and on like this until practically every women from my early education that I found remotely appealing was in the room.
These were not typical Mountain Goats fans. To be honest, I considered myself a more intelligent person than the bulk of them and certainly more sophisticated listener. (Neither of which might be actually true but I am hoighty toighty like that.) What was going on???? How could they want to see the same artist I so enjoy and admire?
You then shuffled out. Wiped your brow, and began to delicately trace a guitar figure. A soaring swell of voices rose up behind you and out into the light stepped a chorus of young children. All elementary aged. As the eyes lit up of all the women in the crowd in anticipation I realized that you had invited a collection of kids to perform with you that also happened to be the offspring of all of my former objects of my affection.
You tugged gently on my jacket and drew me near grinning all the while. Once close, you whispered in my ear “that my friend, is how you fill the crowd with hot women in their thirties.”
I laughed (maybe out loud) and then woke up.
— John Foster
Old Man Hands · Aug 9, 10:53 AM
Spending two nights in Jersey I had a number of observations (and I drove past the Soprano’s Bada Bing – really Satin Dolls.) The two most important happened while at The Police concert at Giants Stadium on Sunday. No matter how much work you have had done or how hip you dress, one part of your body will always give away your age. Those damn hands. Blasted on the jumbotron I was alarmed to see my grandfather playing bass on stage until the camera peeled back and I realized it was that hunky ol’ Sting. Good show for a stadium style affair. Stewart Copeland lovefest as it really should be.
I also had an excrutiatingly painful experience as I waited in line at the show. They have individual lines for everything! Want a beer? You had better be in the line for the kind you have a hankering for. Date wants a different beverage? Plan to wait a half hour next door. Trying to get a dog with that? Another 15. Crazy. Amazingly, the longest wait was for a soft pretzel. I finally got mine right as the opening chords were drifting out into the summer air.
I have to admit that it was mighty tasty though. They have an open flame going under them so they were piping hot but still gooey soft. Worth the wait but just barely.
— John Foster
Songs I Road Tripped With · Jul 24, 03:23 PM
Here are the tunes I sang far too many times (yet never tired of) driving up and down the east coast recently:
“Kiss Me On The Bus” – The Replacements: that first “kiss me!” hits me hard everytime.
“Tomorrow” – Morrissey: great opening bass line to one of the finest sing-alongs from the master of mopey anthems.
“See America Right” – The Mountain Goats: “I grabbed the case of vodka and walked the two miles to the bus stop…”
“Golden Skans” – Klaxons: whatever the hell this is about I can’t kick the doo dah doo dah doo ahhhhh’s.
“I Can Feel It” – Sloan: I was near Nova Scotia and this is damn near perfect pop.
“Isabel” – Unrest: All-time favorite to sing with. My wife made my day when she said my singing on my own songs reminds her of Mark on this.
“Goin’ Back to Cali” – LL Cool J: “bikini small. heels tall. she said… she liked.. the ocean.” I can bass thump with the best of ‘em.
— John Foster
Nature Won't Eat These Bakedgoods Ya Hippies! · Jul 22, 12:05 AM
Sitting at the long table stretched out before him, Dave felt guilty about what was about to happen. After being pleasantly surprised by my arrival with a bag full of fresh muffins straight from the oven at the local food co-op in Maine, he could not wait to see if the tasty smell matched the morsels he was about to swallow. A large bite gagged him immediately as he was stunned by a bitter crunch. Trying to look past the cranberries dancing in and out of the moist batter he found the culprit – he just couldn’t tell what it is.
Finally he asked, “what in the world is in here? I feel awful throwing this out with all the trouble you went to get these but I can’t stomach another bite!” I giggled. I had a suspicion we were in for an eventful breakfast when I saw the names on the counter at the co-op. The Blueberry Vegan sounded promising but the Peach Ginger left me puzzled as did the Blackberry Currant and then the Cranberry Rhubarb. Why do you nutty ladies refuse to shave your legs and then have to soil a perfectly good muffin with Rhubarb???
I told Dave not to sweat it and tossed the muffin and served up a bowl of Life to satiate his hunger. In the vacationland hustle the trash managed to exit to house but did not find it’s way to the bin. Once we returned that evening we saw we had a little visit from “nature.” I am going to hazard a guess that it was a racoon as the tears at the bag seemed tiny for a moose.
The funny thing was that the little bandit carved out a hole and pried away something that looked mouth-watering from the outside only to take a nibble and blanche at… rhubarb! Take note hippies; even nature won’t eat your bakedgoods!
— John Foster
When I Finally Own A Restroom It Will Have Paper Towels · Jul 13, 01:34 AM
There are few things more annoying than charging into a Men’s room in a minor knock-kneed panic, finally finding some relief (careful to stand legs akimbo in order to avoid the fragrant “splashes” of others before you) then adjusting your three hour car ride wedgie – washing your hands with that bubblegum-colored soap – staring at your tired eyes in the mirror that hasn’t been wiped since 78 – ONLY TO FIND that there is no paper towel dispenser!!!! Damn you and your tiny inefficient hamster hairdryer!!! My hands are soaking here pardner. Help a cowboy out (or even me!!!!)
Number one; I use the paper towel to open the door – germ city – and then toss it in the can – from the NBA three-point line no less. Why add germs and take away fun ya bastards?
Number two; that little blow thingy takes forever to dry these big bear paws. I am fairly certain they do not work at all and my hands only dry via evaporation while under them.
One day I will have the riches to own my very own restroom. Then they’ll see how it’s done…
— John Foster
I Woke Up in Rollercoaster Heaven · Jul 13, 01:32 AM
Driving through Pennsyltucky amongst the rolling hills I rounded a bend surprised to rest my weary eyes on the greatest of sights. One… no two… wait for it… how many could there be? There must be fifteen rollercoasters weaving in and out of the valley – not to mention a water park with five or more slides of monsterous proportions. I am giddy like a little schoolboy (definitely boy – it is rollercoasters after all.) Dorney Park – I will be back to enjoy your spoils.
— John Foster
Hungry Boy · Jul 10, 11:19 PM
Do you hear the sound of claws a’ crackin’ and the slurp and chew that only a succulent tail can provide? (Not that kind of tail you dirty birdies!) That’s right lobstahs – Johnny is coming for ya!!!! I will personally be depleting the natural resources of Maine one bite at a time.
Word to the wise; when you are in a super small town just follow the old men and see what they eat. I lined up a roadside stand after Sunday mass and watched 8 old-timers order the same “fish burger, root beer.” Immediately following placing the exact same order I never looked back. Damn best “fish burger” ever matey!
— John Foster
M to the C · Jul 6, 09:00 AM
Honored as I was to be asked to MC the annual awards gala for the Art Directors Club of Metropolitan Washington, it did little to negate my natural goofiness once behind the mic. Minor highlights of the evening included my eating a sugar cookie while talking and then proceeding to mimic an african mask artifact via opening my mouth as wide as is possible (oh lordy is it a big gapper) while cookie crumbles escaped from my gullet – sorry front row! I awarded Wayne Curie with the best outfit for the night with his dapper matching short sleeve dress shirt and tie – the natty little fella. And big apologies to Angela Terry who I attempted to close out the evening by hugging and instead soaked with water and proceeded to smash a glas in dramatic fashion at her feet, even managing to get glass in-between her toes in her kicky little heel number.
Of course I am forgetting the true “spotlight dance” moment as Neal Ashby (of Neal Ashby fame and teased early in the evening for sipping cappuccino with his tiny italian boots dangling) laid a big liplock on me mouth to mouth upon receiving his award. He later reported that I was a little “pokey” around the hotlips.
I am of course available for mizvahs of any kind…
— John Foster
Blog Love · Jul 5, 01:28 PM
The wonderful folks at HOW are throwing their support behind fuszion’s effort to save internet radio. Check out the fab posters and postcards at: http://www.howdesign.com/blog/
— John Foster
You Have to Love My Nephew · Jul 5, 08:23 AM
During the festivities on the Fourth at my Mother’s my nephew tells me all about his soccer camp that he is attending. He can not believe the size of some of the kids on his team and declares that one of the jokers is actually my size. “I am serious Uncle John – this guy must weigh 180 pounds!” That’s ALMOST my exact weight. Thanks for making my day Cam.
— John Foster
Should I Blame the Shirt? · Jul 5, 08:18 AM
Travelling at 65 mph I am distracted by something on my white shirt sitting casually atop my belly. I brush at it to no avail. I am concentrating on the road before me so it is in essence just a blur that will not leave my sight. Finally coming up on stop and go traffic I see that it is two hairs. Well this makes perfect sense as I was trimming my goatee barely thirty minutes earlier (of course I didn’t have a shirt on then – hmmm….) As I pluck at the pesky little suckers to send them off to the side and away from my open soda they decide to put up a fight and don’t budge one iota.
I am sure we have all had a hair lodge itself in the thread of a shirt and I did not give it another thought until I pulled a little harder only to realize that these hairs are attached to my belly proper!
It couldn’t possibly be that I am so hairy as to be bursting through my clothing (could it? Could it???) Must be this cheap ass shirt… harumph.
— John Foster
Super Poster Pack · Jun 28, 09:51 AM
I never properly get around to selling my posters, but in honor of finally launching the site I am offering a pack of old and new favorites all signed and numbered (editions of 100 or less) to the first ten responders for 50 buck-a-roonis which includes priority postage in the U.S. Basically giving these bad boys away. Just e-mail me and we can “work it out” as they say on the street.
I will be putting other prints up for sale here periodically but if you ever see anything by me you might like just e-mail me and I can be talked out of most anything (literally ladies…) for 20 bucks. Enjoy!
— John Foster
Finally Getting Started · Jun 28, 09:41 AM
Back from lugging my guitar to the National Crayon Museum on Tuesday to begin the process of finally recording some decent demos of a few tunes to share with you kind folks as well as secure a gig or two (and possibly put out something proper real soon.) Once they are complete I will get a player up on the site to give you a little listen. Songs being prepped are crowd favorites Eat Myself to Death, Do You Think It Will Break Us Apart and Holy Water Down (often referred to as the “cornbread song.”)
The esteemed Dallas Kentucky managed to hone right in on the qualities of my rough guitar playing and I am pleased as punch with the results. I can’t wait to polish them off and start a’ spreading the word. Stay tuned.
— John Foster
Skinny Boys · Jun 27, 01:59 PM
So I went to the Voxtrot show at the Cat (as I did the poster you see, which is the only way I go out anymore) and the place was jam-packed with brightest young things in male and female forms. The poster sold like hotcakes and Favourite Sons gave a spooky performance in their middle slot on the bill. The Trot were fun and waaaay less serious then you might expect. If I didn’t know better I would have thought they were watching videos of the Specials with the sound off while listening to the Smiths. If you stuffed all five of them in a barrel it might just weigh over 5 bills. Hopefully the poster money will buy them all chili dogs at Ben’s to fatten up a little bit. Even in indie rock you should always weigh at least 5 pounds more than your librarian girlfriend.
— John Foster
Yumm-a-liscious · Jun 25, 12:01 PM
Jerk Chix sammich with fried plantains and collard greens from Caribbean Feast on the Pike. Lordy do I love me some collard greens!
— John Foster
This site is awash in dorks · Jun 25, 10:39 AM
I moved all of the old blog stories and of course I did so in the incorrect order so if you are fresh to the site the first twenty or so tales are in the reverse chronological order. Things never really change with me (just AROUND me) so I promise you it does not make a difference.
— John Foster
Is this my kid or what? · Jun 25, 10:33 AM
I am making lunch for my daughter (yes, I am the wife in my household) and she asks if I can be sure to include chips ahoy in there. We just started taking any sweets at all this week so I told her she needs to decide between those and the rice krispy treats we made the night before. She explains that only the treat is dessert because she takes the cookies and puts them in her jelly sandwich so therefore it is part of the sandwich and not dessert.
Se adds that the whole contraption is deeeelicious.
How can you argue with that?????
— John Foster
Now That's Cool · Jun 25, 10:33 AM
I don’t know what spurred this memory but when I was 8 (1979) I got hooked on punk rock and dub to go with my love of Kiss, Abba and the Beatles. My parents always had a ton of music in the house but parenthood had sent my Mom to Todd Rungren and Dan Fogelberg and my Dad into a Springsteen mode (maybe a precursor to the upcoming divorce…) One of my cool friends (Cisco Gilette – he even had a cool name) had a slew of punker sisters who gave him a mohawk and died it blond which looked killer with his tan skin. Needless to say, whatever they were listening to, I wanted in on – no matter what it sounded like!
When Christmas was rolling around I told my Mom that I wanted anything to do with The Clash who had quickly become my angst-ridden favorites. My Mom then went downtown to the “hip” college record store and bought me a Clash t-shirt. I was the only third grader with Joe Strummer leaning against a brick wall emblazoned across my chest in the entire burbs. You can count on it.
She is the coolest Mom. Period.
I think I was reminded becuse we had a big family reunion thing this weekend and I saw my Mom’s cousin Anne, who I always remember because she went with my Mom to the first Beatle’s concert in DC and fainted at the first chords and was out the entire concert. My Mom said it didn’t bother her because she had more room to dance.
xoxo Mom – John
— John Foster
I Mean Seriously Now · Jun 25, 10:33 AM
Jill St. John was one hot piece o’ ass! The Bond marathon is running this week (Spike maybe???) and I try to catch “Her Majesty’s Secret…” on the late night run each year. (90 percent of the Austin Powers spoof comes from this one believe it or not.) I got another one of my faves with “Diamonds Are Forever” and the rock ‘em sock em’ body and angelic face of Ms. St. John as Tiffany Case. It is a tough category, but she may very well be my favorite Bond girl.
A real beaut Clark. A real beaut.
Now I have to stay up and see if Connery will play “Japanese” with that awful wig and eyebrow set! Funny shit.
— John Foster
So I am Checking Out This Mom · Jun 25, 10:32 AM
We are eating at a mexican joint outside with a railing seperating us from a riverwalk type of deal running through a smaller city to our north. (I believe this was for rain run-off at one point but lord have they jazzed it up with restaurants and bars for a romantic setting.)
Strolling by is a family with three little girls, a Dad type in a wife beater tee and a woman with a body that belies the three kids and a sassy short ‘do to go with her strawberry blonde locks. I try to give a quick once over through our dinner party without getting caught but I never get a great look.
The same family is coming back towards us so I ready myself for a better look – and boy do I get it. It turns out to be my junior prom date! Looked good then and looks great now. I sure could pick ‘em. The fact that she married a man who wears a wife beater explains that her taste in men wasn’t really on target with me no matter how into her I was at the time. I called her over and they will be coming over for a cookout or some shit in the near future. I will let you know how she looks in the lighting of my citronelle torches on the deck…
— John Foster
The Ocean is Awash in Dorks · Jun 25, 10:32 AM
It is certainly a sign in how far removed I have become from my days as a girl-hustling teenager that I write this. I was of course the slow poke on the boardwalk this past week pushing my cart loaded with numerous umbrellas, beach chairs (the heavy kind from crate & barrell) and winnie the pooh beach towels. As I shuffled down the avenue munching a peacemaker sandwich – crab cake, 2 fried oysters and 2 fried shrimp on a po’ boy and made by old school lesbians named Pat and George – I couldn’t miss the shambles that pass for young men these days.
I know it has always been this way, but now that I can view the proceedings from a different perspective, I see it for what it really is. A dork-a-rama! If you are 16-21 and can not figure out why girls won’t date you – it is because you are a dork. You dress and act in a way that reflects absolutely no confidence in what you are doing. You are sooo uncomfortable performing this act, whether it is tough talking, b-boying, or fake jocking that it makes girls not only not want to talk to you but to avert their eyes all together. The fellas that get the ladies have at least some sense of being themsleves. Even if they look like total pricks – well… it is because they are pricks. And they are okay with that.
Just be yourself and all that huggy 70’s business. I will be eating a cheesesteak from Gus and Gus while I laugh at you from the skeeball alley…
— John Foster
Is it Wrong? · Jun 25, 10:31 AM
To have lunch or drinks with someone based solely on the fact that they have two different colored eyes?
I have been e-mailing with someone (female of course – I will e-mail fellas back but drinks – no way) that I met by chance through random circumstances. The first thing we noticed about one another is that we both have two different colored eyes. Hers are a little more pronounced as mine aren’t in their full glory until they get that strange gold green flake in the right one every winter. But a commonality none the less.
This has led to some great conversation and I might add career advice (for her) into the equation over a drink etc… (not THAT kind of etc…) Funny that this is all we have in common though.
When I was young and good looking, but not too good looking, the way that I knew I was in with a lady was when she had studied my face long enough through the smoke and dim lighting of a dingy bar to notice my two different colored eyes. This was generally followed up by my asking for my tab and heading back to whomever’s place (to play monopoly of course…)
Unfortunately less and less of you lass’s notice old two eyes over here. But maybe, just maybe it still has a little of the old charm left.
That does it. She’s paying for lunch.
— John Foster
Sunday Night Working Music · Jun 25, 10:30 AM
Mellow yet moving and highly recommended bitches:
Disco Inferno – Technicolour
Seely – Julie Only
Sharkboy – Matinee
Prefab Sprout – Two Wheels Good (Steve McQueen for those outside the US)
By the way – how is it possible that no one has done a Prefab cover and turned it into a huge international smash hit? Damn James Blunt makes a mint off of half-baked versions of these beauties…
Back to the list:
Bark Psychosis – Hex (getting sleepy at this point)
ANY Field Mice album
Kudos to John Darnielle of Mountain Goats fame for putting out an ep with a Trembling Blue Stars cover as well as a song with my favorite scary wrestler (well… at least top five) Ox Baker in the title.
Any of the Mountain Goats 4AD discs would be mightly fine about now as well.
ANY Colin Newman solo album (except Bastard which is all electronic styleeee)
And last but certainly not least – Basehead – Play With Toys
— John Foster
Jessica Simpson is Today's Mariah Carey · Jun 25, 10:30 AM
To be honest, I kid myself that I don’t care about these things yet here I am pecking away at the keys. I really should start getting my news from somewhere other than InStyle magazine!
There are the obvious parallels of course; the entertainment marriage to an older man (I hope getting that slice served up virgin-style was worth all this Nick) with a penchant for white suits and no ties.) The insane over-singing! I am not sure which I despise more: Mariah’s theatrical trilling or Jessica’s fake emoting “laying hands” church spiritual version. Mariah at one time seemed to know she was showing off and over-the-top so I give Jessica’s warble the nod as most hated.
It would be unfair to discount the ditzy nature and baffling lack of reality they both share. Seemingly floating through life unaware that they are the most annoying person in the room (any room that they are in that is.) This is the perpetual “hot chick” syndrome where men trip over themselves to make it seem as if they truly care about anything other than watching your famous little caboose walking out of their bedroom in the morning.
This is where I really see it on a personal level. I have a certain type of woman I find attractive. The height of this for me on a celebrity level would be the smoking sisters of Melrose played so tongue-waggingly hot by Josie Bisset and Laura Leighton. To hear that I think Nicole Kidman is beautiful would not be a shocker. Brassy, big-boobed, toothy southern girls or mildly ethnic pushy divas with Jersey perms do nothing for me.
This is why it unnerves me to admit that I find Jessica and Mariah attractive in a bizarre way. They have so little to offer me it is as if they are standing in front of me trying to make eye contact and I can’t stop staring at their collective chest. They are the worst kind of hot – cheezy hot. I never feel as guilty as when I find myself with that tingle watching them babble on and on on television. I feel soooo dirty.
Mariah went from a smoking version of cheezy hot to this strange period where she was dressing like a 50-year-old Jewish woman and became sooo not hot it was amazing. I couldn’t help but notice Jessica entering that same territory these last few months. Unfortunate choices in shoes and now that she is photographed solo most days she seems much shorter and top heavy. Maybe CaCee was picking out all her outfits. Who knows?
I am thankful that she is moving off my “hotness” radar. Luckily there is still hope… Mariah came back with a vengeance carrying a “my body is a playground” set of curves and an acute sense of “I am damaged goods” fragility that I find intoxicating. See you in a few years Jessica, after a few dozen failed relationships and a few dozen Twinkies bring that cheezy glitter back to your glazed eyes. I will be there with a tingle.
— John Foster
Spring Brings A New Love · Jun 25, 10:29 AM
I can barely keep up with the two women in my life as it is so don’t get the wrong idea… but I am smitten.
The saucy little temptress manages to dart into my mind at the least opportune moments. It has turned into a sad little bit o’ obsession. I won’t be able to do anything about it until the weekend but each day rolls by with little to no satisfaction. I find myself consumed with an almost unbearable emptiness – such is the yearning.
Why must I wait? Why can I not fill this void with my work or my full life at home? Even more shocking is that I had gone this long in life without realizing I had such a void just waiting to be filled. Some experiences in life truly change you and there is no hope of returning to the person that you were previously. No matter how easy it would have made things to have never known the charms that await you.
It goes without saying that this is most inconvenient. I have things to do – just ask me. Lusting (such an ugly yet apt description) away all day and night for something not laying in the bed beside me is very nearly destroying the fragile life I have built for this balding, goofball of a man I have become.
Yet I am reminded that this bewitching little thing only seems to bring me happiness while requesting so little in return. Sure, I need a little money to bring my hands so close as to feel that welcoming touch. But it seems a tiny price to pay. Truth be told, I would pay it every hour on the hour, seven days a week if by some miracle it were available with such frequency. I know this may seem desperate and perhaps a little sad but I prefer to think of it as just plainly being truthful with my feelings and desires.
Judge me if you may but the entire time I have been writing this I have been dreaming of the next time we will come into contact. It is so real I can smell the sweet fragrance that fills the air when we are together. I can nearly taste it on my lips and feel the tingle that graces my tongue when we finally converge.
This next part may make some of you uncomfortable but I can no longer go on with this selfish behavior. You see, I don’t need to be the only one to experience the unbelievable pleasure available to me. In fact, my love would prefer that I point everyone in the direction of its bounty.
That is because my new love is Italian Ice. On Saturday I had a half cherry and half banana from Carmen’s in Rockville and needless to say. I will never be the same.
— John Foster
Its not my job honey · Jun 25, 10:28 AM
So for the first time (and certainly not the last) my daughter informed me today that she likes her boyfriend more than she likes me. I wasn’t really fazed by it simply due to the fact that she is coming up on her sixth year in June. Also – her “boyfriend is one of the bigger kids in kindergarten but I am fairly certain I could bring him to tears in a matter of minutes if really neccessary.
The funny part was when I asked why that might be. She told me that her boyfriend is always nice to her and does what she wants to do without giving her a hard time. I told her that that was his job but that I was her parent and thus my job was a little different.
Now I am going to be laying awake tonight hoping all her boyfriends really are nice to her.
I am not ready for this yet.
If ever…
— John Foster
This is Probably Obnoxious But... · Jun 25, 10:27 AM
Ten years ago I purchased my first house and in the process of moving decided that it was silly to hold on to all of my past trophies from my youth. What was I going to do with all these little plastic men bouncing soccer balls atop tiny marble bases? Perhaps a large glass case adorning the entry to my home in the same vein as the case of glory whenever you enter a high school? A little too “much” for my refined tastes. So I packed away a box and carted it to the dump along with other mementos (no need for old girlfriend pics either.) I did remove a small trophy I received for coaching my bad news bears fifth graders to a championship while I was a senior in high school (kids=great, parents=suck.) I don’t know which end of my closet it is currently nestled in. Oh well.
As life progressed, I managed more than my fair share of recognition and thick pieces of lucite with my name on them due to my career. The office is jam packed with them when you enter, much in the same way that case of battered footballs and signed photos announced the past to each new class at high school. Apparently my refined tastes can live with this set-up.
I did not realize these design awards were filling a void in my life until a recent event. A championship! In sports! Not boring old life!!!!
My co-ed soccer team went on a tear late in the season and bulled it’s way through the playoffs winning back to back games in the final minute to win the winter league in January. It felt good but I didn’t get caught up in it. Or so I thought…
We received our trophies marking this accomplishment this past Thursday at our league game. They are appropriately cheezy with a big hollowed out soccer ball (the black and white checked version that they haven’t made for 20 years) on a swoosh of plastic from it’s tiny marble base and the gold plaques with my name right there. I really adore this ridiculous thing!
I left it out on the kitchen table so that the first thing my daughter asked in the morning was “hey – who won this trophy?” Why it was daddy sweetie – now eat your oatmeal or we will be late…
The trophy then accompanied me to the office where I placed it down wherever I went making sure to have the plaque facing the person I was talking to. I did this in a serious fashion.
Obnoxious? Of course! Hard earned? You have no idea.
— John Foster
Dude Looks Like A Lady · Jun 25, 10:27 AM
So I am parked in my respectable Volkswagen with my respectable five-year old in our respectable neighborhood at one of the fancy schmancy malls we have here where millionaire’s kids while away their trust funds. None of this means anything other than to paint the picture that I am not in a funky part of town but rather an area where the appearance of “respectability” is held in high regard.
I peer through my windshield to survey the area, as I often do now that I am officially the world’s most overprotective parent, when my eyes fall on a lady parked across from me. Let me correct that – a VERY unattractive lady. Let me correct that – a VERY masculine lady. Well I’ll be… that is a man – man.
As I take a closer look I realize that it is man straightening his wig and applying his “face” in the rearview window. As I watch he discards his button up shirt on the passenger side seat and focuses on his outfit. I now realize that he had not left his house in the get up but was specifically changing into a woman for the shopping spree that awaits him/her. He/She has on a terrible burgundy colored free flowing mane that keeps falling into his eyes. He has gaudy gold clip on earrings that I watch him apply and deep red lipstick. Oh, I almost forgot – he is roughly sixty and looks like the psychologist on Law and Order (and Oz I think) with the balding head and hangdog face. Sexy is the word we are all mentally searching for right about now.
He/She puts the total package together and finally exits the car. It’s a good thing too as I am somewhat exhausted just from the experience of peeping on him from a few vehicles away. Unfortunately we are not quite done yet. Catching one last glimpse in the window of a minivan he/she raise her/his arms to fix one crazed strand of faux hair only to lift up her/his shirt to reveal a pink and ruby red THONG slung over the hips and dancing back and forth on it’s tiny little strands of hope holding it together.
I usually catch a pretzel or cookie or some treat at the mall to fight off the blahs of sitting in build-a-bear for hours on end. Strangely enough, I wasn’t hungry today.
— John Foster
Take That Courtney Love! · Jun 25, 10:27 AM
So I just saw the soundscan numbers for a few books of note last year and I couldn’t help but smile. My last book, “New Masters of Poster Design” outsold biographies from John Leguizamo (okay – maybe not THAT big of an accomplishment) and David Crosby as well as the one and only Courtney Love. I have a sneaking suspicion that their advances might have featured a few more zeros than mine did. I will have one and possibly two books out in the next year so lets hope for the same killer reaction from the buying public.
I had no idea there were so many design nerds out there!
Before my head gets too big it should be noted that Bob Newhart has me by 55,000 copies. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it wasn’t for the startling reality that the bastard has a little more hair than me at this point.
And of course the maddening fact that he is Bob Newhart…
— John Foster
How do you ruin a plate of ribs? · Jun 25, 10:26 AM
I had made the tragic error of ordering ribs in a small town in Pennsylvania I was speaking in. I have been a major rib kick lately for reasons unknown (maybe it is because they are so damn tasty AND messy! If I said that about a girlie it wouldn’t need any explaining.) They made “yankee” ribs with the hint of old bay or something awful. I still managed to eat the bulk of my slab (they were paid for – what do you want from me?) but I suspected this would be the end of my ribapalooza.
However, we found ourselves on Saturday at a fine rib-making restaurant by chance. Everyone (even the guys!) ordered salads so I knew what I needed to do to redeem the manliness of our table. Full slab baby!!!!
I had finished them off and was basking in a satisfying glow (and collection of bones) when my inner light was quickly extinguished by the confident stride of my old girlfriend coming towards me. Now this is my girlfriend from late 88 until early 90 so you would think I could care less about seeing her but this is the person that forever screwed up how I deal with relationships and she seems to know it. Not to mention that I hold a grudge like no other. She was fancied up for dinner with her husband and his family and was kid-free so that didn’t hurt her smug demeanor.
I hate when the past screws up a tasty meal. I could barely make it through my pineapple upside down cake for dessert – hee hee.
— John Foster
What A Fluffy Mess! · Jun 25, 10:26 AM
I had the silliest thought. I am preparing a presentation I am giving in the middle of Pennsylvania and the liklihood is decent that I will be driving through some snow at some point. No biggie in years past when I had my Jeep or SUV but now I have the VW that just doesn’t feel like me and certainly isn’t high enough off the ground to handle any real snow.
The silly thought was that I realized if I had a spin out in bad weather (or even worse) that I would be littering the turnpike with so many stuffed animals that it would be ludicrous. My daughter has slowly migrated approximately 15 stuffed animals from fancy rabbits and disney icons to boardwalk winnings to the back seat and it is so goofy to walk up to my car and see this menagerie of marble eyes looking back at you.
How my life has changed… Maybe if I ever need them they might act as additional airbags – hahaha.
— John Foster
Carnies Sold Me an X-mas Tree! · Jun 25, 10:25 AM
Do you ever wonder what Carnies do in the winter? (It is true that I lie awake at night pondering such things.) I often thought that they hid in warmer climates keeping their body odor at an optimal capacity. It turns out that some of them do indeed venture north and live in communal filth – in this case a gynormous trailer filled with a variety of mutts (both dogs and people.) Said trailer was parked in front of an abundance of over-priced Christmas trees as well as a petting zoo filled with goats that knew enough to jump on each others backs and twist around to shake the bubble gum style feeder. The coup de grace was the dirty fella in the even dirtier Santa suit tugging around a miniature pony with antlers stuck to it’s head in circles for the kiddies.
We finally picked out a tree that was far too big to fit in our house and then my wife thought she might like the more expensive one next to it (always the case…) As she marvelled at the dirty Santa a gaggle of dogs trampled out of the trailer and one came over right in front of me and peed all over the other tree. Needless to say, we took our first choice.
— John Foster
A Beautiful Thing · Jun 25, 10:25 AM
Once a week for the past few years I have stopped in at a donut/bagel shop for breakfast on the way to work. The main guy behind the counter is eastern european (maybe polish/czech?) and we generally keep our conversation to my order and I watch as he clocks the super rich and toned housewives getting fancy coffee (this is in one of the richest neighborhoods in the country – I am just passing through.)
Last week he stops me, tells me he has my order and not to worry. He pulls three of my regulars and then tells me my selections are just perfect. In fact, my order “is a beautiful thing.” The donuts I choose are not the most fancy but they are three of the best there is. He also marvels at the combination of tastes and how well they go together.
“Hey, a chocolate glazed is a solid donut but getting two every day is jusy boring,” he laughs. He remarks how much he loves food and also serving others who truly appreciate the joy of eating (he has me pegged on that one.) My english-challenged friend closes by remarking that he is a “donut man” and truly sees the beauty of my order.
I bounce to my car and turn up the radio with the windows down and dash out of the parking lot full of myself. It must be what Charlize Theron feels like when someone compliments her gown at the Oscars.
I am proud. I am hungry.
Beautiful thing… prepare to be eaten.
— John Foster
Apparently I Was A Big · Jun 25, 10:24 AM
Apparently I was a big… jerk in high school.
In the past few weeks two people who I like a lot and still see from time to time have mentioned remarks I made to them that stuck around in their minds for nearly 20 years now.
The funniest is a friend who used to date my buddy and is now marrried to another friend (this is who is still around when you buy your parents home from them.) I don’t recall this, but it appears I referred to her as a “medium sophomore girl” back in the day. Apparently in contrast to some of the girls in her class that we knew that went on to become NFL cheerleaders. Ooops. I am sure I didn’t mean it even if I said it.
Last year her sister refused to admit to having a crush on me back then (might have been her husband sitting in the bed with her after we called and woke her up late one night – hee hee.) You just can’t win with those girls
— John Foster
Dane Cook is NOT funny · Jun 25, 10:23 AM
Seriously.
I don’t get this guy playing to the arena that looks like it’s filled with a baptist youth retreat.
I watched for twenty minutes waiting for a joke but it never came…
— John Foster
Moving Day · Jun 24, 10:26 PM
Hey Cats and Kittens! I have finally gotten the site in working order and will be moving my blog here and typing away with not one – but TWO fingers, each and every day (give or take a few days…) Look for the usual life lessons, design travesties and that funny boy who writes all of those depressing tunes.
Above you can see my semi-famous hurricane relief poster that now sells for an embarrassing sum so you can always come here to enjoy it if you don’t already have one hanging on your wall.
— John Foster
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