Jessica Simpson is Today's Mariah Carey · Jun 25, 10:30 AM
To be honest, I kid myself that I don’t care about these things yet here I am pecking away at the keys. I really should start getting my news from somewhere other than InStyle magazine!
There are the obvious parallels of course; the entertainment marriage to an older man (I hope getting that slice served up virgin-style was worth all this Nick) with a penchant for white suits and no ties.) The insane over-singing! I am not sure which I despise more: Mariah’s theatrical trilling or Jessica’s fake emoting “laying hands” church spiritual version. Mariah at one time seemed to know she was showing off and over-the-top so I give Jessica’s warble the nod as most hated.
It would be unfair to discount the ditzy nature and baffling lack of reality they both share. Seemingly floating through life unaware that they are the most annoying person in the room (any room that they are in that is.) This is the perpetual “hot chick” syndrome where men trip over themselves to make it seem as if they truly care about anything other than watching your famous little caboose walking out of their bedroom in the morning.
This is where I really see it on a personal level. I have a certain type of woman I find attractive. The height of this for me on a celebrity level would be the smoking sisters of Melrose played so tongue-waggingly hot by Josie Bisset and Laura Leighton. To hear that I think Nicole Kidman is beautiful would not be a shocker. Brassy, big-boobed, toothy southern girls or mildly ethnic pushy divas with Jersey perms do nothing for me.
This is why it unnerves me to admit that I find Jessica and Mariah attractive in a bizarre way. They have so little to offer me it is as if they are standing in front of me trying to make eye contact and I can’t stop staring at their collective chest. They are the worst kind of hot – cheezy hot. I never feel as guilty as when I find myself with that tingle watching them babble on and on on television. I feel soooo dirty.
Mariah went from a smoking version of cheezy hot to this strange period where she was dressing like a 50-year-old Jewish woman and became sooo not hot it was amazing. I couldn’t help but notice Jessica entering that same territory these last few months. Unfortunate choices in shoes and now that she is photographed solo most days she seems much shorter and top heavy. Maybe CaCee was picking out all her outfits. Who knows?
I am thankful that she is moving off my “hotness” radar. Luckily there is still hope… Mariah came back with a vengeance carrying a “my body is a playground” set of curves and an acute sense of “I am damaged goods” fragility that I find intoxicating. See you in a few years Jessica, after a few dozen failed relationships and a few dozen Twinkies bring that cheezy glitter back to your glazed eyes. I will be there with a tingle.
— John Foster
Commenting is closed for this article.
