Dude Looks Like A Lady · Jun 25, 10:27 AM
So I am parked in my respectable Volkswagen with my respectable five-year old in our respectable neighborhood at one of the fancy schmancy malls we have here where millionaire’s kids while away their trust funds. None of this means anything other than to paint the picture that I am not in a funky part of town but rather an area where the appearance of “respectability” is held in high regard.
I peer through my windshield to survey the area, as I often do now that I am officially the world’s most overprotective parent, when my eyes fall on a lady parked across from me. Let me correct that – a VERY unattractive lady. Let me correct that – a VERY masculine lady. Well I’ll be… that is a man – man.
As I take a closer look I realize that it is man straightening his wig and applying his “face” in the rearview window. As I watch he discards his button up shirt on the passenger side seat and focuses on his outfit. I now realize that he had not left his house in the get up but was specifically changing into a woman for the shopping spree that awaits him/her. He/She has on a terrible burgundy colored free flowing mane that keeps falling into his eyes. He has gaudy gold clip on earrings that I watch him apply and deep red lipstick. Oh, I almost forgot – he is roughly sixty and looks like the psychologist on Law and Order (and Oz I think) with the balding head and hangdog face. Sexy is the word we are all mentally searching for right about now.
He/She puts the total package together and finally exits the car. It’s a good thing too as I am somewhat exhausted just from the experience of peeping on him from a few vehicles away. Unfortunately we are not quite done yet. Catching one last glimpse in the window of a minivan he/she raise her/his arms to fix one crazed strand of faux hair only to lift up her/his shirt to reveal a pink and ruby red THONG slung over the hips and dancing back and forth on it’s tiny little strands of hope holding it together.
I usually catch a pretzel or cookie or some treat at the mall to fight off the blahs of sitting in build-a-bear for hours on end. Strangely enough, I wasn’t hungry today.
— John Foster
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